


take care of my confidence, take care of my soul

by sketchy_and_unformed



Series: I'll give you the part of me that no one ever gets [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Developing Relationship, Fluff, Grey-Asexual Character, Grey-asexual Hatake Kakashi, Is there a tag for that?, M/M, fledgling relationship, i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:15:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29019567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sketchy_and_unformed/pseuds/sketchy_and_unformed
Summary: Scrappy follow-up toyou saw all of my thoughts. Drabbles and scenes of Kakashi and Tenzo figuring out how to be happy together.fair warning most of it will be smut
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Yamato | Tenzou
Series: I'll give you the part of me that no one ever gets [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128920
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	1. the morning after.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So. For a long time I intended a follow-up to _you saw all of my thoughts_. Partly because I had ideas for how they would find compromises, sexually, that worked for both of them. So I wrote a lot of such scenes and I intended to fill in the gaps and link it all together into a proper, multi-chapter follow-up that would roughly follow canon.
> 
> The second part of that plan did NOT happen. I tried for a while to find the motivation to do this universe justice but it just isn't there for me. There isn't enough remaining unresolved to warrant a full-blown fic, if I'm completely honest.
> 
> But I am still interested in exploring how grey-asexual Kakashi and allosexual Tenzo could develop together, the highs and the lows and the struggles that their differing libidos will bring to their relationship.
> 
> So I am going to clean up and post what I have written. Which is mostly smut but not completely.
> 
> Consider it a loosely connected series of drabbles that provide glimpses into what lies beyond the 'happily ever after' for these two. Each chapter will be a different moment and I'll update...sporadically.
> 
> I hope some of it is enjoyable to read :)

In the hallway of their chosen inn as the two of them stared at the two closed doors in front of them, Kakashi hesitated.

“I suppose we should share a room.”

“We don’t have to,” Tenzō said quickly. “With everyone else here, maybe it’s better if––”

“Maa, Tenzō, trying to get rid of me already?” Kakashi drawled and Tenzō turned red.

“No! I want to, of course, it’s just…”

“We’ve shared rooms before,” Kakashi mused. “Shared beds, even. But, well, it’s different now, isn’t it?”

A small smile tugged at one corner of Tenzō’s mouth. “Fairly different, yes.”

Kakashi reached out and took Tenzō’s hand. “To be quite honest, I’m not ready to let you out of my sight yet. So, if you wouldn’t mind keeping an old man company?”

They took turns changing into their sleep clothes in the bathroom. Kakashi came out without his face covering and smiled at Tenzō’s expression.

“It’s just a face. Get used to it.”

“You say that like it’s easy,” Tenzō said, crossing the room. He moved to put his arms around Kakashi but faltered at the last second, hands hanging momentarily in the air before dropping to his sides. He laughed nervously. Kakashi tutted and grasped both of Tenzō’s hands and placed them on his hips. Tenzō took a sharp breath and Kakashi studied his face. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. It’s just,” Tenzō looked away then glanced back up at Kakashi through his lashes. “We’re really doing this.”

“We are,” Kakashi said solemnly, then ducked his head to peck Tenzō quickly on the lips. 

The hands on Kakashi’s hips tightened and Tenzō smiled a blinding smile.

“Okay, then.”

#  *******

Tenzō woke up first, warm and comfortable and happy without quite remembering why. When he did remember he took a deep, slow breath as his heart seemed to flip over in his chest.

Kakashi was still asleep beside him, tucked in close. From his perspective Tenzō could only see a cloud of silver hair by his shoulder but he could feel the warmth of Kakashi’s hand on his arm and the light puffs of his breath there, too.

He’d fallen asleep in the same bed as Kakashi before, but never woken up like this. It was wonderful.

Kakashi started to stir a few minutes later. He sighed and rolled onto his back and Tenzō was treated to the sight of his uncovered face, eyes still closed in sleep. His jaw was shadowed with a light growth of hair, which Tenzō was surprised to notice was much darker than the hair on his head, almost black. He couldn’t resist the temptation to touch. He settled his hand gently against the sleep-warm skin of Kakashi’s neck and stroked his jaw with his thumb.

Kakashi hummed softly and his lips curved up in a smile.

“‘Morning,” he said, voice rough from disuse.

Tenzō realised he was smiling what must have been the world’s sappiest smile but he couldn’t bring himself to care, even when Kakashi’s eye cracked open. If anything, his smile only grew.

“Hi,” he said.

Kakashi closed his eye again. “I’m not a morning person.”

“That’s okay,” Tenzō said, still stroking his face. “I wasn’t planning on getting up any time soon.”

Kakashi gave a grunt of approval and shifted slowly onto his other side, away from Tenzō who felt dimly bereft for a few moments until Kakashi asked, amused, “Are you waiting for permission?” and Tenzō moved gratefully into the warm space that the other had just vacated. He tucked his arm around Kakashi’s waist and Kakashi found his hand and squeezed it and Tenzō decided that he would never willingly leave the bed, would stay in that moment forever if he could with Kakashi warm and sleepy and  _ there _ .

They had both started to doze again when a loud hammering on the door shattered the spell completely.

“Rival! Let us breakfast together before we begin our most youthful journey home!” came Gai’s booming voice.

Tenzō groaned. “Did he really ask to be in ANBU once? Seriously?”

Kakashi shook under his arm with quiet laughter. Tenzō turned his face into the pillow, hoping upon hope that if Kakashi didn’t answer, Gai would give up.

That hope, however, was to ignore everything that he knew about Maito Gai. The hammering came again. “Kakashi! Time waits for no man!”

“He won’t go away,” Kakashi said, regretfully. “I’d better go out there.”

“Me too,” Tenzō said, reluctantly sitting up as Kakashi half-fell out of bed, somehow managing to make it look graceful all the same. “I guess I’ll see you at breakfast.”

“Will that count as a date?” Kakashi asked as he pulled on a mask. “I hope so because I can’t think of anything else.”

Tenzō shook his head as he wandered into the bathroom. “Dinner is a date. Breakfast is just breakfast.”

“I suppose I’d better take you to dinner, then,” Kakashi called from the other room.

Tenzō poked his head out of the door. “Really?”

“Tonight, if you like.”

Tenzō paused, then said, quietly, “Okay.”

Kakashi looked at him and he almost could have sworn he saw apprehension in his eyes, as if he’d really been afraid that Tenzō would say no. “Yeah?” he asked.

Tenzō nodded. “Yeah.”

They looked at each other for a few seconds longer before Tenzō turned away, smiling. “Sorry.”

Kakashi hummed. “You’re sort of cute when you’re shy.”

“Only then?” Tenzō asked, mock-offended.

Kakashi pretended to consider and Tenzō tossed a sock at him. It landed neatly on his head and Kakashi’s eyes narrowed.

“Impertinent. You’re paying for dinner.”

“I’m picking the restaurant,” Tenzō called as he ducked back into the bathroom. The only answer was the sound of the room door closing behind Kakashi.


	2. first date.

The restaurant was busy and Tenzō was glad of it; the buzz of activity and conversation all around him helped to cover up the awkward silence at his own table.

He had chosen somewhere just outside Konoha where there was less of a chance that they’d be recognised. Not because he was embarrassed to be seen with Kakashi––it was quite the coup to be having dinner with the famous Copy Ninja, after all––but because going on a date together after knowing each other for so long was awkward enough without running into any of their friends.

Kakashi had picked him up from his apartment, dressed in his usual jonin outfit minus the gloves, vest and hitai-ate. He’d smiled when Tenzō answered the door, hands deep in his pockets.

“I’m on time. I made an effort.”

“I noticed,” Tenzō had said, smiling back. “You look nice. Did you actually comb your hair?”

“I couldn’t possibly reveal that,” Kakashi had teased. “Are you ready to go?”

Across the table now, Kakashi dabbed at the corner of his mouth with a napkin then tugged his mask back into place. “Please would you pass me the soy sauce?” he asked.

Tenzō did so. “How is your meal?”

“Very good. Very fresh.”

“Ah. I’m glad.”

It was stilted and Tenzō knew that it was. The evening had become awkward not long after they’d set out from his apartment. Even though it was only that same morning they’d woken up together, he found that he couldn’t judge how he should be behaving towards Kakashi now. Falling back on the familiarity of their friendship didn’t feel right, somehow, but neither did acting as though this were a first date with a stranger.

Kakashi put his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands. “What’s wrong, Tenzō?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Tenzō said without meeting his eye.

Kakashi sighed and turned back to his food, pushing what remained idly around in the bowl.

"Shouldn’t this be easier?”

Tenzō winced. “It’s really that bad, isn’t it? I’m sorry. I’ve never actually been on a date before."

Kakashi paused, chopsticks halfway to his mouth. "Really?"

"Neither have you," Tenzō said defensively.

"No, but that was deliberate. People should have been jumping at the chance to take you out."

"I was never looking for that," Tenzō said, ignoring the compliment. "I… I slept with people, yes, but they weren't relationships. They were one night stands, not dates."

Kakashi brought his hand to his heart, chopsticks and all. "You saved yourself for me. Kohai, I'm touched."

"God." Tenzō was blushing. "You're the worst."

"I'm serious, though," Kakashi said. "Knowing that it's new for both of us. It's nice."

Tenzō smiled through his embarrassment. "But you're so much more relaxed than I am. It's really not fair how every single thing you do seems...effortless. Could you teach me that?"

Kakashi chewed thoughtfully. "It took years of practice. Faking confidence I didn't have."

"You could have fooled me," Tenzō said. His blush had faded to a lingering pinkness high up on his cheeks and he wore a soft smile as he looked at Kakashi. "In fact, you did fool me."

They finished what was left of their food in a silence that felt a little easier than before. The bill came and Tenzō looked stricken.

“Ah, did you really want me to pay? Or should we talk about it? What’s the...etiquette?”

Kakashi shrugged easily. “We make about the same money. Let’s split it.”

Tenzō smiled, a little relieved. “Right. Yeah.”

Outside the restaurant, Tenzō paused again. “Um. We live in opposite directions.”

Kakashi rolled his eyes and grabbed Tenzō’s hand. “So walk me home.”

“I’m sorry! It all just feels so… strange.”

“Don’t think about it too hard,” Kakashi said, swinging their joined hands as he walked.

They were almost at Kakashi’s building when Tenzō said, quietly, “I don’t want to mess this up.”

“None of the things that you’ve been worrying about would even come close to messing things up between us.” Kakashi bumped him with his shoulder. “Honestly, Tenzō.”

“It’s not just the little things.”

They reached the door to Kakashi’s walk up and stopped. “Will you tell me what’s really been wrong with you tonight?” Kakashi asked gently.

Tenzō looked caught, but finally he answered hesitantly. “We said we want to be together but… well… I’m not really sure what that means.”

Kakashi took his other hand and stroked his fingers. “Okay?”

“I mean, if you don’t want… If you don’t want what you don’t want.”

“Sex,” Kakashi said and Tenzō flushed. “If you can’t even say it, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it, either.”

“Fine,” Tenzō said. “You told me you don’t want… sex, so I guess I’m struggling to figure out how we’re… together. Without that. What’s different than before.”

“We never went out for dinner before,” Kakashi said. “That’s a start, isn’t it?” Tenzō made a noncommittal noise and Kakashi sighed and took a step closer into his personal space. “Being in a relationship isn’t only sex, is it?”

Tenzō searched the uncovered portion of his face. “Is that what we are? In a relationship?”

“I was distinctly under that impression, yes.” Kakashi tugged his mask down and smiled. “I want to spend time with you, Tenzō. We’ve never really had that. One day a year at Tanabata, that was it. I want to be around you, talk to you, listen to you, learn more about you. Isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t know,” Tenzō said. “Is it?”

Kakashi sighed and leaned in closer. He kissed Tenzō’s cheek softly and let his lips linger against his skin. “I want to be close to you,” he said. “I want to hold your hands like this, and I want to put my arm around you sometimes, and I want to kiss you.”

He heard Tenzō take a breath. “You really want those things?”

“I do.”

Tenzō turned his head and Kakashi moved with him to catch his mouth with his own. Tenzō touched careful, hesitant fingers to the back of Kakashi’s neck, then, as his confidence grew, wrapped an arm around his waist. Kakashi pressed closer and their kiss deepened. Kakashi ran his fingers through Tenzō’s hair and Tenzō made a small, pleased noise in his throat. Kakashi broke the kiss and guided Tenzō’s head down to rest under his chin.

“You want to be with me, too, don’t you? Even if I don’t sleep with you?”

He felt Tenzō’s hand clench into a fist in the back of his shirt. “Of course I do. I’m sorry, God, I didn’t mean it to sound like…” He let out a frustrated sigh against Kakashi’s shirt. “I’m no good at this.”

“At least we have that in common,” Kakashi said and Tenzō pulled back to look at him.

“I really do want to be with you. It’s just… Figuring out what that really means. I guess I always thought… I always imagined how a relationship would be, with you, with anyone, but ours won’t be like that because––”

“You think too much,” Kakashi said, punctuating the statement with a kiss. “Worry too much.”

“Help me,” Tenzō murmured in between kisses. “I’m a disaster, Kakashi.”

“But you’re very cute.”

“Is that enough?”

Kakashi let his lips linger on the next kiss until Tenzō opened his mouth with a sigh. Kakashi kissed him slowly, thoroughly, exploring with his tongue, cupping Tenzō’s face in his hands. When they broke apart Tenzō let out a shaky breath and covered Kakashi’s hands with his own. They stood together, heads bowed, sharing breaths.

“Do you want to come upstairs?” Kakashi asked. “Talk some more? Kiss some more?”

Tenzō pulled back and gave him a hesitant smile. “Not tonight. I should go home and think about what I did.”

Kakashi huffed and pecked him one last time on the lips before stepping back. “Maybe we should take this slow.”

“Really slow,” Tenzō said. “Glacial. Let my brain catch up with my heart.” Kakashi held his fingers in a heart shape against his chest and Tenzō snorted. “God.”

“Sleep well then, my little kohai.”

“You can’t call me that anymore!”

“Hmm? Then what shall I call you?” Kakashi mused as he started to climb the stairs. “Sweetheart, perhaps? Darling?”

“Kohai is fine,” Tenzō called and Kakashi laughed as he opened the door.

“Sweet dreams, Tenzō.”


	3. distance.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first real bump in the road.

Things really didn’t change that much, at first. Tenzō spent time with Team 7, both as their captain and at their regular breakfasts, and when the team could spare him he took on what few B-rank missions there were available. He was much more used to A- and S-rank, but it didn’t seem right to sign up for them anymore, outside of ANBU and with a team to worry about. He couldn’t take Sakura, Sai and Naruto on such missions, after all, and since those ranks were the most likely missions to run into complications and dangers and drag on for days or even weeks longer than scheduled, it wouldn’t have felt right. A- and S-rank missions were for shinobi with few or no personal ties to consider.

Kakashi, he noticed, never took those missions either.

Tenzō still indulged in his hobbies, he spent a little time with Asuma, Kurenai and Gai, and he trained. All of those things had become his routine before he and Kakashi’s relationship upgrade and were no different after, aside from the fact that he sometimes caught Kakashi watching him when they were both with the team.

Tenzō had, in short, kept himself very busy. Too busy to have spent any time alone with Kakashi since their restaurant date. He was holding back, and he knew that he was, but he couldn’t seem to take any steps towards Kakashi.

Almost two weeks after Tanabata, Kakashi came to find him in his apartment. It was mid-morning; Tenzō had already had breakfast with Naruto and Sai (Sakura was busy with Tsunade) and been out to his clearing to tend the plants there, returning to relax with a pot of tea and a good book.

Of course, Kakashi appeared at the window instead of the door. His light rapping caught Tenzō’s attention and Tenzō looked up to find him hanging one-handed from the gutter above. Tenzō opened the window quickly and Kakashi waved nonchalantly.

“Good morning. May I come in?”

Tenzō felt his face heating up as Kakashi swung gracefully into the living room and looked around appraisingly. “Did you redecorate?” he asked.

“In the last month? No, Kakashi.”

“Oh. Well, I wasn’t paying much attention the last time I was here.”

“Ah,” Tenzō started awkwardly. “Can I get you some tea?”

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Kakashi said abruptly.

Tenzō reddened further. “N-no I haven’t.”

“If you’ve no objections, I thought we could spend the rest of the day together. Go to the market to pick up some food and take it out to the forest. Like a picnic.”

“I…” An excuse was ready on the tip of Tenzō’s tongue, but he swallowed it. “That sounds really nice, actually.”

Kakashi tugged his mask down so that Tenzō could see his smile and Tenzō’s stomach flipped. He hadn’t seen Kakashi’s face often since the first time and he couldn’t help but grin.

“You sound surprised,” Kakashi said.

“You’ve never struck me as the ‘picnic in the forest’ type.”

“I’ve never had anyone as cute as you to take with me before.”

“What about Gai?” Tenzō teased and Kakashi rolled his eyes.

“Only when I want to watch a giant in green spandex doing ten thousand push-ups. Which is almost never.”

Tenzō laughed, finally starting to relax in Kakashi’s presence. “Let’s go, then.”

After a quick dash through the market, Kakashi put together two lunches back at Tenzō’s place then they headed to the outskirts of Konoha. They went beyond Tenzō’s clearing into the deeper forest where the trees grew closer together. The day was warm and clear but the canopy shaded them in green coolness.

“I forgot to bring a blanket,” Kakashi said. “I hope you don’t mind grass stains on your clothes.”

“Better than blood stains,” Tenzō said and flopped down on the grass. Kakashi joined him, then bit his thumb and performed the summoning jutsu. His eight ninken popped into life in front of them.

“‘Morning, boss,” Pakkun said and Kakashi scratched his ears until he wagged his tail.

“No work today. I just thought you all might want to stretch your legs.”

Biscuit was already nosing through the undergrowth and Shiba stood on alert, ears and tail twitching as he tracked a squirrel on a nearby tree. Pakkun grinned.

“I suppose we could spend an hour or two here. Your forest is a lot nicer than ours.”

“I know,” Kakashi said and dug in his vest pocket for a handful of dog treats which he flung out over the grass. “Here. Have fun.”

“You really have the perfect arrangement, don’t you?” Tenzō marvelled as the dogs lapped up the treats then set about chasing each other through the trees. “They’re shinobi when you need them to be, and pets when you want them, but with none of the responsibility.”

“It suits me uncommonly well,” Kakashi said, a smile crinkling the corners of his eyes.

“How did you come to have them?” Tenzō asked.

“My father had ninken. His father had ninken. From what I gather it’s a Hatake clan tradition, although there are precious few of us left. I may have a crazy old aunt or two out in the fringes of the country. I’ve never looked into it.”

“Then did your father…?”

“No,” Kakashi said quickly. “I didn’t start to train them until I was ten. Minato was the one who taught me the summoning jutsu. He learned it from Jiraiya, although I don’t think he ever signed a contract himself. Some of the Inuzuka helped me with them at first. I started out with just Pakkun. The pack came a little later.”

“Huh,” Tenzō said. “I never knew.”

“Really?” Kakashi asked, stretching out on his back with his arms pillowed behind his head. “You’ve got a contract with them too, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, but you never told me any of this when I signed it.”

Kakashi hummed. “I suppose I had to keep a little mystery, didn’t I? Are you hungry yet?”

They ate while the dogs chased each other around the trees. Kakashi had lightly pickled some vegetables and steamed some fish. It was delicious, and Tenzō told him so.

“Do you cook a lot?”

“Only when I need to eat,” Kakashi said dryly and Tenzō nudged him.

“Idiot.”

“Watch your tongue, or you’ll lose your lunch privileges.”

When they were finished and the containers packed away, Kakashi slipped his mask down and put his fingers in his mouth to whistle loudly. His ninken appeared fanned out in front of them.

“Can you go now, if you don’t mind? I’d like to spend some time alone with your Uncle Tenzō.”

“Uncle?” Tenzō spluttered.

The pack lined up in front of them and quickly poofed away, all except for Pakkun. “By the way, kid,” he asked, “was the old lady really mad about that scroll?”

“Scroll?” Kakashi asked as Tenzō covered his face with his hands. “What scroll?”

“It’s nothing,” Tenzō said. “I’ll tell you later.”

“I tried to warn him,” Pakkun said. “I hope she went easy on you, though. You’re a good one.”

“Thanks,” Tenzō mumbled, then Pakkun too disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“You’re not getting out of this forest without explaining that,” Kakashi said. “But luckily for you, there’s something else I want to do first.”

“What?” Tenzō asked, peeking from between his fingers. Kakashi’s mask was still below his mouth. He grinned.

“Guess.”

Before Tenzō could speak, said mouth was firmly attached to his earlobe and he let out a startled noise, dropping his hands. Kakashi tugged with his teeth and Tenzō tipped his head back.

“Kakashi.”

“We haven’t done nearly enough of this, have we?” Kakashi said against the side of his face. Tenzō hummed his agreement and slid an arm around Kakashi’s shoulders.

He let Kakashi take the lead, wary of pushing too hard, afraid to chase what he wanted. Kakashi kissed him slowly and sweetly like he was trying to memorise the taste of his mouth. He unzipped his bulky vest and slipped his arms out of it without ever breaking the kiss and Tenzō unthinkingly slid his hands beneath Kakashi’s undershirt, pressing warm palms to his back. When he realised what he was doing he jerked his hands back and broke away, alarmed.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“You can touch me, Tenzō,” Kakashi said softly. “Just promise me you can stop if I ask you to.”

Tenzō nodded and Kakashi took his mouth in another kiss. He climbed into Tenzō’s lap and Tenzō moaned quietly around his tongue, settling his hands back where they had been and holding Kakashi close. Kakashi pulled back to smile at him.

“This is nice, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Tenzō said, smiling back.

They kissed lazily, but even so it wasn’t long before Tenzō’s breathing had quickened and his hands were clasped tightly on Kakashi’s thighs. Kakashi drew back to kiss his forehead and found him flushed and frowning.

“Are you okay?”

Tenzō nodded before tipping his head back against the tree trunk that supported him, looking at Kakashi with heavy-lidded eyes. “We should probably head back now, shouldn’t we?”

“We can stay here a while,” Kakashi said and brought his mouth to Tenzō’s neck.

Tenzō made a small noise and Kakashi felt his body tense, shoulders bunched and jaw tight. He didn’t protest, though, so Kakashi continued to kiss his neck softly, then to lick and finally to suck. At this Tenzō let out a full-throated moan and arched between Kakashi’s thighs. His erection pressed up against Kakashi’s ass. Kakashi paused.

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry,” Tenzō said, his voice strained. “I didn’t mean to. I wouldn’t ask you to...do anything.”

“I didn’t think,” Kakashi said.

“I don’t suppose you would,” Tenzō said, hiding his face against Kakashi’s shoulder.

Kakashi ran his fingers through Tenzō’s hair and felt goosebumps rise on the back of his neck. “Can I keep kissing you?” he asked. “Would you mind?”

“I like it,” Tenzō said. “I’ll try to keep still.”

“You don’t have to,” Kakashi said, still stroking his hair, and Tenzō sighed against his shoulder.

“Yes, I do.”

“No,” Kakashi said, emotion surging in his chest. He couldn’t give Tenzō everything he needed, but he still didn’t want him to hold back on his account. He’d never wanted that. It was part of why he’d gone to him so many times when they were younger. He kissed Tenzō’s neck again and ground down into his lap.

Tenzō gasped sharply. “Kakashi!”

“Hush,” Kakashi murmured, starting to move rhythmically on top of Tenzō. He caught Tenzō’s earlobe with his teeth and Tenzō arched up against his body.

“Don’t,” he said breathlessly.

Kakashi kissed him on the mouth, pressing his tongue deep inside. Tenzō returned his kiss hungrily but jerked away when Kakashi’s hand dropped to his stomach, finding his skin beneath his shirt.

“Kakashi, stop.”

“Do you really want me to stop?” Kakashi said in a low voice. Tenzō’s eyes were tightly closed. Kakashi ground down hard in his lap and he bared his teeth.

“Please, Kakashi.”

“It’s okay,” Kakashi said against the shell of his ear and Tenzō shuddered. He put his hands on Kakashi’s waist and tried to lift him off of his lap but Kakashi dug his knees into the soft earth and stayed seated, all the time rocking against him. Finally Tenzō gripped Kakashi’s arms hard enough to make him pause, his fingernails digging into his skin.

“Don’t make me come in my pants,” he half-whispered, eyes glassy with both pleasure and apprehension. “Please, Kakashi, I don’t want to.”

Kakashi’s eyes widened and he stopped moving and raised himself up off of Tenzō. Tenzō swallowed thickly and slumped back against the tree, his arms falling to his sides. Kakashi moved back so that he was sitting only on his thighs. Tenzō’s erection was a hard line straining at the front of his pants. There was a dark spot where he’d already wet through the fabric.

“I thought you would want to,” Kakashi said quietly.

Tenzō shook his head. “Not like this. How would I clean up? How could I walk home?”

“I didn’t think,” Kakashi said. “I’m sorry.”

Tenzō took a shaky breath. “If you took me out of my pants. Like you did the first time.”

Kakashi faltered. “I…”

“You don’t want to, do you?”

He looked away. “I could. If you really want me to.”

“God, that’s even worse,” Tenzō said. “To think you were doing it out of...out of pity.”

“That’s not it,” Kakashi said.

Tenzō shook his head again. “This is sort of why I haven’t spent more time with you lately. Knowing that you don’t want sex the same way hasn’t stopped me from wanting you like that. I think I want you more than ever.”

Kakashi climbed off of him and knelt by his side. “You know that it wasn't ever pity, Tenzō. I always wanted to make you feel good. I still do. But now that I’ve been honest with you—”

“I never want to push you,” Tenzō said. “God, Kakashi. I don’t expect you to do things that you hate just for my sake.”

“I don’t hate it,” Kakashi said quietly. “It’s just that if it were up to me, the kissing would be enough on its own.”

“Me too,” Tenzō said. He slammed his fist against the dirt. “It’s only my stupid body. I wish it didn’t happen. I don’t...I mean, what we have means so much more to me than...than coming. Honestly. I’d never come again if I had the choice.”

Kakashi settled by Tenzō’s side and slid his fingers into his hair. Tenzō let himself be pulled down to rest his head on Kakashi’s shoulder.

“We said we’d take it slow, then I dragged you out here and climbed into your lap,” Kakashi said. “I’m the idiot now, aren’t I?”

“We both should be able to act on our instincts,” Tenzō said, “but they don’t always align. It’s not anyone’s fault.”

Kakashi breathed in Tenzō’s clean shampoo smell and felt his heart clench in his chest. “What do we do, Tenzō?”

“I think we both need to figure out how we can make this work,” Tenzō said. “And I think we need to do that alone.”

Kakashi let his head thud back against the tree. “Again?”

“I don’t want sex to be such a huge issue any more than you do,” Tenzō said quietly, “but it is, and sooner or later we’ll have to deal with it.”

“I thought you’d understand,” Kakashi said, his hurt rising into anger. “I thought you cared about me enough to accept me for who I am.”

Tenzō sat up and glared at him. “Don’t. You know that’s not fair.”

Kakashi stood up and grabbed the bag containing the remains of their lunch. “It’s just sex, Tenzō. Honestly, you’re being like an animal about it.”

“That’s cheap,” Tenzō said in a low voice.

“Sex is cheap,” Kakashi shot back, tugging his mask back into place. “If that’s all that matters to you then maybe I was wrong to think that we could—”

Tenzō rose quickly to his feet. “Don’t. Don’t say something you can’t take back.”

Kakashi opened his mouth to let out another cruel remark, but the look in Tenzō’s eyes stopped him. He slumped, deflated.

“I never thought I would be able to have a relationship with anybody, because of who I am. Was I right, Tenzō?”

Tenzō sighed and turned away. “I want to make this work. I really, really do.”

“I want to believe we can last,” Kakashi said, the last word catching in his throat. It still caught him off guard sometimes, just how much he cared for Tenzō in every way that it was possible to care for another person. How much the thought of losing him in any one of those ways hurt him deep inside.

“I  _ do _ believe it,” Tenzō said. He reached out for Kakashi’s hand and Kakashi gave it. “I’ve always been drawn to you, Kakashi. I always will be. It doesn’t matter how hard you push me away or how fast I run. I would come back to you every time.”

The last of the anger fell out of Kakashi and he tugged Tenzō closer. “Tenzō.”

Tenzō slid Kakashi’s mask down and kissed him, close-mouthed and firm. Kakashi stroked Tenzō’s face, fingertips dancing over his brow, his eyelashes, the corner of his mouth. Tenzō pulled away and pressed his lips to Kakashi’s forehead.

“It will work itself out,” he murmured. “All of it. Have faith, senpai.”

“Tenzō,” Kakashi said again, throat tight and eyes burning.

Tenzō kissed him again quickly then stepped back.

“I won’t stay away too long, I promise. But wait for me. Please.”

Kakashi swallowed and nodded. “I’ll be here.”

Tenzō gave him one last smile. “I know you will. And I’ll find you.”


	4. speaking in code.

Kakashi found Tenzō in his clearing a few days later. He kept his chakra unsuppressed so that when Tenzō finished his Tai Chi routine and opened his eyes he wasn’t startled to find the silver-haired shinobi lounging against a tree,  _ Icha Icha _ in hand.

“Naruto is going to try to find Sasuke, again,” Kakashi said without looking up.

Tenzō grabbed his towel from the grass and slung it around his shoulders, waiting for more. Kakashi turned a page.

“Tsunade has agreed to it. The whole team will go.”

“And?”

Kakashi finally met his eye. “We’ll need back up. Team 8 would be our best support, but Kurenai can’t lead them. Will you come, Tenzō?”

“Of course,” he said, walking towards Kakashi. “Finding Sasuke is important.”

“You’ll work with me?” Kakashi asked, looking back at his book. “Follow my orders?”

Tenzō sighed. “There’s no shinobi I respect more than you, Kakashi. That hasn’t changed. Nothing that I feel about you has changed.”

Kakashi turned another page. “Nothing, you say?”

Tenzō stopped in front of him. “If you don’t want to do this, Kakashi…”

“Maa, I’m not one to back away from a challenge,” Kakashi said, snapping his book closed. He tried to keep his expression neutral as he looked at Tenzō but didn’t quite manage.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“That,” Tenzō said, smiling sadly. “Act like you don’t care. Keep me at a distance.”

“You’re a fine one to talk,” Kakashi said. He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’ve built all of the bridges so far.”

“Maybe,” Tenzō said with a shrug, “but you’ve known how I feel about you for years.”

“It’s still my risk,” Kakashi said. He’d turned his head so that Tenzō could only see the covered side of his face, giving nothing away.

Tenzō took another step forward, now only an arm’s length away.

“You think I’m going to change my mind.”

Kakashi took a long time to reply. When he did, he spoke quietly as though his words were only thoughts that had somehow broken into his throat to be heard.

“Haven’t you already?”

“I haven’t, for even a second, thought about walking away from this,” Tenzō said. “I’m crazy about you.”

Kakashi stared off into the forest. “I wouldn’t be angry. I might be asking too much of you.”

“I’m not saying it’s easy,” Tenzō said. “For a lot of reasons. But I want to be with you, Kakashi. For better or worse, okay?”

Kakashi turned to him slowly, eyebrows raised. “Was that a marriage proposal, kōhai?”

Tenzō spluttered and turned red. “Kakashi!”

“Don’t worry, I won’t hold you to it.” Kakashi smiled quickly, then dropped his eyes again. “I don’t imagine I’m the marrying type.”

“Speaking in code again,” Tenzō said. “I hate that.”

“Are my codes so hard to crack?”

“I get the feeling you’re going to be hard to crack,” Tenzō said. He reached out and Kakashi slipped a hand out of his pocket to meet his in the space between them. “I’m sure you’ll be worth it, though.”

“Well, if you’re sure.”

“Should we be having this conversation now?” Tenzō asked, smiling in spite of himself. “If you can even call it a conversation. You came about a mission, didn’t you?”

“We do make a good team,” Kakashi said, smiling down at his feet. “But if anyone asks, I’m still in charge.”

“Hmm. Control freak.”

“It’s easy to be in control when you know the territory,” Kakashi said. He squeezed Tenzō’s hand. “This, though. I might be a little less commanding. A little less certain, perhaps.”

“I see. You’re trying to tell me that you’re afraid.”

“As a shinobi, I know no fear,” Kakashi said.

“We’re shinobi, but we’re human, too,” Tenzō said, echoing words that Kakashi had used not so long ago. Kakashi narrowed his eye.

“Whoever told you that I was human?”

“You are infuriating,” Tenzō said, “but even so, I’m still crazy about you. God help me, but I even love the things that I hate about you.”

Kakashi hummed and ducked his head. “Should I ask how long the list of things that you hate about me is? Or should I ask about that other word?”

Tenzō’s brow creased in confusion until he realised what he’d said. His eyes widened and a pink blush rose in his cheeks.

“Oh! I didn’t mean... Ah. Well.”

Kakashi put his hand to his chest. “Careful what you say. You might break my heart.”

Tenzō looked pained. “You wouldn’t...want me to say it. Would you?”

“That very much depends,” Kakashi said, “on whether you would mean it or not.”

“Kakashi…”

“Maa, I already know you hate me for not having sex with you,” Kakashi said, carelessly examining his nails. “But I wonder what else you love to hate about me?”

Tenzō’s face burned. “I hate the way you go out of your way to make me uncomfortable. Like you’re doing  _ right now _ . How’s that?”

Kakashi beamed, his eye arching. “You know that I only tease you out of love.”

Tenzō groaned and covered his face with his hands. “Impossible. You are impossible.”

Kakashi hummed. “But you’ll take charge of Team 8 for this mission, yes?”

“Yes,” Tenzō said from behind his hands. “When do we leave?”

“Well, it’s Naruto looking for Sasuke. I’m surprised we didn’t leave yesterday.”

“I’ll be ready at dawn.”

“Don’t forget to change out of your pyjamas first,” Kakashi said as he sauntered away. “And you do still owe me a private showing, you know.”


	5. kissing.

"Really, Tenzō? Already?"

"I'm sorry," Tenzō said, reddening as he shifted his hips away carefully from Kakashi.

Kakashi’s eyes slanted downwards and his mouth quirked at one corner. "It's like you're still a teenager."

"You can’t shame me for this," Tenzō said with a scowl. "I can't control it any more than you can.”

“I wasn’t shaming,” Kakashi said. “It’s just...sort of funny. You getting hard just from kissing me.”

“It isn’t funny to me,” Tenzō said, sitting back on his heels. “I really don’t need you laughing about something I can’t help. It’s like you think you’re better than me."

Kakashi’s expression softened out, grew sad. "You're right," he said. "I'm sorry.”

Tenzō settled on his back beside him on the futon, folding his hands on his chest.

“I hope you can accept that it’s going to happen,” he said. “Sometimes I’m going to get hard. It’s just how my body works. You don’t have to like it or do anything about it. Just accept it. The way I’m trying to accept that you don’t want sex.”

“Trying to accept, huh?” Kakashi rolled to face him. “I thought you were a little past ‘trying’ already.”

“You know what I meant,” Tenzō said with a flash of irritation. “Don’t act all hurt now. You started it.”

“Jeez, Tenzō,” Kakashi said and rolled again to lean over him. “I made an insensitive comment and I apologised. I wasn’t trying to start anything.”

Tenzō blew out a breath. “I know, I know. It’s just...kind of a touchy subject.” He raised his head to glare at Kakashi. “Don’t even think about making a joke out of that.”

“I would never,” Kakashi protested with gleaming eyes. Tenzō stretched out a careful arm and encouraged Kakashi to lie his head on his chest which he happily did. Tenzō closed his eyes and gently combed through Kakashi’s hair and for several minutes they lay there in silence.

“I love this,” Tenzō said quietly. Kakashi’s light squeeze over his ribs encouraged him to continue. “Being close to you. Doing nothing with you. We get so little time to just...be. There’s always another mission we don’t know if we’ll come back from alive. I don’t want to waste these moments fighting with each other.”

“We’ve already fought so much,” Kakashi said. He found the hem of Tenzō’s shirt and slipped his hand beneath to press against his bare skin. “I knew this wouldn’t be easy. We never lied to ourselves about that. But it still hurts, doesn’t it?”

“It hurts,” Tenzō agreed, his throat tightening around the words.

“When I was younger, Kakashi said, “I used to tell myself I was better than everybody else. I was always training, always the fastest and the strongest, always ready for the next mission and I didn’t waste time on friends or lovers. I don't know if I ever truly believed it, but it was better than thinking I was... Broken. Not just because I had no sex drive, but because of everything.”

Tenzō held him closer. “You’d already lost so much by the time I met you. You’ve been so strong to come through it.”

“If I hadn’t told myself that I was better, if I hadn’t believed that all of the loss had a purpose, I think I might have…” Kakashi let out a shaky breath, gripping Tenzō’s hip. “I might not have come out the other side of ANBU.”

It felt like the most important thing that Kakashi had ever told him. Tenzō’s breath stuttered as he reeled in the wake of that powerful confession and he found himself utterly without words to respond. He wrapped his other arm around Kakashi and held him as tightly as he dared, as close as he could, hoping that his touch could somehow convey what his voice refused to; that overwhelmingly, above almost everything else, he cared for Kakashi.

He loved him. He had always loved him in some way, even when it was only friendship and mutual respect. Kakashi had always meant more to him than anyone else he had ever known. Kakashi was his most important person, and Tenzō was completely, hopelessly in love with him.

Kakashi twisted to look up at him, every bit the fearsome shinobi Tenzō had always known him to be but something else now as well. He was letting Tenzō in, little by little revealing the other sides of his whole self like a faceted gemstone turning in the light. He was still Sharingan no Kakashi but he was also Tenzō’s Kakashi, the Kakashi who slept sprawled on his stomach and sometimes drooled on the pillow, the Kakashi who saved all of his broth until last when he ate ramen, the Kakashi who was ticklish behind his knees.

“Are you okay?” Kakashi asked, seeing something in Tenzō’s face, some hint of the huge swell of feeling surging inside him.

Tenzō nodded and swept a hand through Kakashi’s hair.

“I’d really like to kiss you now, if you’ll let me.”

“Let you,” Kakashi huffed. “If you want to kiss me that badly then I want it as well.”

“I can’t assume,” Tenzō said as they shifted back onto their sides.

“Don’t say it like it’s my permission you need, please?” Kakashi pulled a face of discomfort. “Just ask me if you can or tell me when you want to.”

Tenzō tipped his head towards Kakashi's and let their noses rub lightly against each other.

“Kakashi,” he breathed into the air separating their mouths. “May I please kiss you?”

“You may,” Kakashi said and closed the distance. His lips were soft and warm and he parted them easily against Tenzō’s, inviting him to explore. Tenzō licked carefully into his mouth, cradling his face. He drank in Kakashi’s little sighs, the way that his fingers caught in the collar of Tenzō’s shirt, the firm press of his lips that told Tenzō that he wanted to be there kissing him. He pulled back slowly, a little reluctantly, and Kakashi gave him a soft, questioning look.

“Okay?”

“Do you enjoy it?” Tenzō asked quietly, hating himself a little for needing to ask but still unable to stop the question from leaving him. He wasn’t confident that he could trust his instincts when it came to Kakashi, if he could believe the non-verbal signals that his lover gave him.

He’d lied so very well with his actions before. If he was doing it again now—

“Kissing you?” Kakashi smiled and Tenzō’s heart thudded hard in his chest and in his throat as the smile sank into him, warming him from the inside out. “Very much, Tenzō.”

Tenzō gave him a lingering peck on the mouth, tasting that beautiful smile. “I’m glad. I’m so glad.”

They kissed for a long time, Kakashi sliding on top of Tenzō and taking the lead. His lips and tongue grazed over the sensitive skin of Tenzō’s throat and Tenzō shivered. His dick started to harden in his pants again but he ignored it and so did Kakashi as he slid his hands up into Tenzō’s hair and kept kissing his neck. Tenzō wrapped his arms around Kakashi’s waist and tried to just let himself enjoy it. Having Kakashi close, feeling the heat of his own skin and his lovers’, even to enjoy having an erection and the unconscious, teasing way Kakashi’s weight settled against it as they kissed.

He wanted to learn to be okay with being turned on but not taking any action. He was twenty six, surely he could do that much. It wasn’t like every erection he’d ever had in his life before had ended with an orgasm, after all.

But it was Kakashi, his brain unhelpfully reminded him. That powerful, cool and gorgeous shinobi Hatake Kakashi who was in his arms with his mouth doing delicious things to Tenzō’s neck. Kakashi, who had been the first person Tenzō had ever had a sexual fantasy about; Kakashi, who had been the first to touch his cock; Kakashi, who had made him come so many times already.

Internally, Tenzō sighed. The road would not be easy.

When the pleasure started to shift into frustration again, he pushed lightly on Kakashi’s shoulders.

“Can I ask you something else?”

Kakashi looked at him with a half-smile. The affection in his eyes erased a lot of Tenzō’s squirming dissatisfaction, replacing it with an equal love of his own but also with guilt and anger that turned inwards. Couldn’t this be enough, damn it? 

“Never mind,” he said, brushing his thumb over Kakashi’s beauty mark, grazing his lower lip. “It’s not important.”

“It is,” Kakashi said softly. “Ask me.”

Tenzō closed his eyes. “How is it for you? Kissing me, I mean. What is it like?”

“Well, how is it for you?” Kakashi butted gently against Tenzō’s forehead. “Are you asking me if I think you’re a good kisser? Because I don’t have much comparison.”

Tenzō cracked an eye open. “Do you have any comparison?”

Kakashi’s lips split in a self-conscious grin. “Ah.”

“That’s not what I meant, anyway” Tenzō said. “I wanted to know...how it feels for you when we kiss.”

“Ah,” Kakashi repeated.

“Can you tell me?”

“You go first,” Kakashi said. “I don’t know if I can describe it. At least, not well.”

Tenzō took a breath, hesitated, let it out. “I...I can’t talk about it right now.”

Kakashi kissed the tip of his nose. “Okay. Later?”

After supper, over tea at the kitchen table, Tenzō said, “It’s intimate.”

Kakashi looked at him wordlessly over the rim of his cup, waiting for more.

“Kissing you feels intimate,” Tenzō clarified. He trailed off again, trailing a teaspoon around in his tea.

“Okay,” Kakashi prompted gently, and Tenzō glanced up at him and then away.

“It’s the closest I feel to you,” he said. “Kissing you isn’t only a physical thing for me. It’s a physical act, of course, but it isn’t...isn’t only sexual. Even though it turns me on, you know that, but...I don’t just want to get off when we kiss.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

Tenzō met his eyes, his own deep and dark. “I just want you. All of you. The warmth and weight of your body close to mine, your voice, your laugh, the sound of your breathing. I want your smiles and the way that you look in the morning. I want it all for myself, to have you and never let go. That...that’s how I feel when you kiss me. Like I could lose myself in you and be happy.”

“Ah,” Kakashi said.

Tenzō shook his head with a sad twist of a smile. “Can you understand that?”

“I like kissing you,” Kakashi mused. “It’s sort of like...warming your hands around a mug of hot tea. Putting on a shirt fresh out of the dryer. Getting into bed after a long day. It’s nice.”

Tenzō tried not to let the hurt from being compared to such tiny everyday pleasures show on his face. He tried to tell himself that Kakashi was different, it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t mean to be callous, that he’d chosen to be with Tenzō in spite of his differences. It did hurt all the same, though.

“What about your feelings?” he asked. “Your emotions, I should say. Is there anything there when we kiss?”

Kakashi looked surprised. “Yes, of course. I don’t want to kiss anyone else. It’s only because it’s you, because of how much I like you. But everything else that you said...I don’t know. I suppose I don’t feel those things any more strongly when we’re kissing. But I do feel them, you know.”

Tenzō raised his eyebrows hopefully. “Yes?”

“Yes.” Kakashi took his hand and patted it. “Being around you, Tenzō, it just feels right to me. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else or with anybody else when we’re together.” He turned away as the storm of his emotions threatened to sweep his words away, acknowledging it with a rueful smile. “You’re better with words than I am, I think. But you...it’s you, Tenzō. It’s you for me. Only you.” He pressed his lips to Tenzō’s knuckles and spoke against them. “I could have left things as they were, stayed as your friend, but I wanted more. Maybe not sexually, but I want you, Tenzō.”

“Be careful,” Tenzō said, a light blush staining his cheekbones. “You’re dangerously close to talking about that love word, you know.”

Kakashi smiled against the back of Tenzō’s hand. “I know.”

“Stay over tonight,” Tenzō blurted out.

Kakashi raised his head. “Tenzō?”

“I know we haven’t spent the night together since Tanabata,” Tenzō said, his blush deepening. “I want to sleep next to you. I want to hold you tonight. That’s all.”

Kakashi finished his tea, swallowing down the lump in his throat along with it. “It would be nice to wake up next to you again.”

Tenzō’s smile shone with innocent joy. “Yes, it would,” he said.


End file.
